Jessica, a current patient here at the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital Somerset, Eating Disorders Program, was given a therapeutic assignment to write a “Goodbye” letter to her Eating Disorder. Jessica was very skeptical at first to the value of this assignment, but after completing it, was very excited and proud of what she wrote. Jessica enthusiastically wanted to share her letter in hopes that it would help others. We thank you for that Jessica, and wish you well on your continuing journey of recovery.
Goodbye. You have robbed me of months of potentially great memories. Instead, I stayed in every weekend, exercised until I felt like collapsing, and stared at myself in the mirror for hours. Why have you controlled my thoughts from the moment I wake up to the second I fall asleep? Even in my dreams you have haunted me tempting me with foods forbidden and things I could only eat in my dreams.
You have caused me to only see my body as skinny or fat. There is no in between. There were only good days or bad days when I lost weight or days when I stayed the same. I never gave myself a break. I exercised until I shook. I ate only enough to stop shaking. The cycle was never ending. I thought I could easily stop, but I quickly came to realize it was easier said than done.
I am lucky. I am lucky others recognized the signs and pushed me to get help. I thought you couldn’t have possibly done any damage - after all, I didn’t look like one of “those anorexic girls.” I was so shocked to find you have robbed me of my health - my heart is weak, nutrients low and I am no longer doing what a woman was designed to do – ovulate.
It was obvious I had to say goodbye to you. Being skinny is no compromise to my future. If I had you ED, I may not be able to walk at graduation, get married or have kids. Why be skinny now when I may not be alive tomorrow? It still is so hard to say goodbye to you ED. You are the devil to my angel conscience. I am learning that not exercising and not restricting will not make me fat.
Your voice is getting quieter everyday. You still exist in me, but I know one day you may not. I have learned healthy and skinny are not synonymous.
I see that in the women I have surrounded myself with in the EDU. We have all had your voice in us - whether for months or years. I see them, and I see beautiful souls. Souls of torment and pain, but also hope. Because we are the ones brave enough to get help. Brave enough to put butter on our toast and realize it didn’t make us blow up. Brave enough to talk about the underlying reasons why we have let you come into our heads.
I am so proud of these women and maybe it’s time to start feeling proud of me. This is a goodbye to you ED, and a hello to a new Jess. A hello to the Jess that can make people laugh, smile and be touched. A hello to the Jess who is proud of just being Jess - whether it’s about my past or future accomplishments. I can’t achieve these accomplishments without first saying goodbye to you.
No amount of skinny is worth the amount of good I can do in this world. I’m so thankful to say goodbye.
Jessica Gladstone
LETTER TO MY EATING DISORDER
Dear Ed,Goodbye. You have robbed me of months of potentially great memories. Instead, I stayed in every weekend, exercised until I felt like collapsing, and stared at myself in the mirror for hours. Why have you controlled my thoughts from the moment I wake up to the second I fall asleep? Even in my dreams you have haunted me tempting me with foods forbidden and things I could only eat in my dreams.
You have caused me to only see my body as skinny or fat. There is no in between. There were only good days or bad days when I lost weight or days when I stayed the same. I never gave myself a break. I exercised until I shook. I ate only enough to stop shaking. The cycle was never ending. I thought I could easily stop, but I quickly came to realize it was easier said than done.
I am lucky. I am lucky others recognized the signs and pushed me to get help. I thought you couldn’t have possibly done any damage - after all, I didn’t look like one of “those anorexic girls.” I was so shocked to find you have robbed me of my health - my heart is weak, nutrients low and I am no longer doing what a woman was designed to do – ovulate.
It was obvious I had to say goodbye to you. Being skinny is no compromise to my future. If I had you ED, I may not be able to walk at graduation, get married or have kids. Why be skinny now when I may not be alive tomorrow? It still is so hard to say goodbye to you ED. You are the devil to my angel conscience. I am learning that not exercising and not restricting will not make me fat.
Your voice is getting quieter everyday. You still exist in me, but I know one day you may not. I have learned healthy and skinny are not synonymous.
I see that in the women I have surrounded myself with in the EDU. We have all had your voice in us - whether for months or years. I see them, and I see beautiful souls. Souls of torment and pain, but also hope. Because we are the ones brave enough to get help. Brave enough to put butter on our toast and realize it didn’t make us blow up. Brave enough to talk about the underlying reasons why we have let you come into our heads.
I am so proud of these women and maybe it’s time to start feeling proud of me. This is a goodbye to you ED, and a hello to a new Jess. A hello to the Jess that can make people laugh, smile and be touched. A hello to the Jess who is proud of just being Jess - whether it’s about my past or future accomplishments. I can’t achieve these accomplishments without first saying goodbye to you.
No amount of skinny is worth the amount of good I can do in this world. I’m so thankful to say goodbye.
Jessica Gladstone