"I am learning to live in the present, to not dwell about the past, and to not worry so much about the future."
Torture. Disgust. Fear. If you had asked me what the last year has consisted of, these would be the first three things that would come to mind.
But you know what the next would be?
Hope. Resilience. Challenge.
Throughout the past year, I have started to learn how and why everything happens. I have learned the connection and fine line between goals and setting too high of impossible expectations. I have learned that holding yourself to what you “should do” or “should be like” will never be beneficial to you.
I had believed that maybe if I looked a certain way or changed something about myself, then maybe a boy would notice me or maybe my peers would think higher of me than what I was. This ended up escalating into an obsession with being skinny, calorie counting, restricting, and excessive exercising. I never let myself sit down and I always had to be moving even in school.
At least until this one Friday in school that I can remember so clearly. I had already been going to multiple doctors including my pediatrician: Dr. Bienstock persistently with constant denying that anything could be wrong. They hesitantly put away their theories hoping that they were not making a mistake in doing so.
I had this excruciating pain within my right leg; it made it practically impossible to walk, and if I tried to walk, it would be limping with crying involved. My friend and teacher (who now I am so thankful for making me go) both told me that I should go to the nurse’s office.
The nurse said that it was urgent that I went home and went to my doctor: Dr. Bienstock; my mom was going to do just that until she found out that my doctor was not available that day.
When Dr. Bienstock got the update on what was going on, he informed us to go to the emergency room to get rapid blood testing done to see if there was anything that could be identified.
This resulted in being admitted to Valley Hospital due to an extremely low heart rate and blood pressure amongst other things including the pain in my leg.
I specifically remember saying that although my leg hurt, maybe if I walked around, then it might start to feel better. This followed with repetitive pacing up and down the pediatric wing until I was told that I had to be put to bed rest because I was burning too many calories.
I remember the nurses frowning at me when they took away the trays with the same amount of food they had given me when they put it there.
I remember how terrified my mother was when she stayed overnight every night that I was there. I remember the nurse that ran in frequently when my heart monitor went drastically lower than it was before. I also remember the moment I was told I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and was being transported to an Eating Disorders Unit.
The amount of terror that I can extract from that day is so strong that I can still feel it. My mother and father begged the doctor on duty for any other possibility such as an after school program or day program. The doctors had said that I was too underweight and medically compromised to be released from the hospital and that I needed to go into an inpatient program immediately. The doctors were surprised that I had made it that long with doing what I thought was healthy but was in the end self-destruction.
When the ambulance came, my mother rode with me for the 2 hour or so drive where she talked with the ambulance drivers. I do not even truly remember how long it was or what they were talking about; it is all vague to me as all I remember thinking was that I could not believe that this was happening.
I remember the ambulance people not allowing me to walk because I had a boot brace on my right leg and going through multiple entrances of the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital (RWJ) because they had no idea where to bring me.
I remember being with my mother as the people in the Eating Disorder Unit told me that my room would be number 192 and we had to wait until a nurse came in to discuss what was going to happen. I remember feeling as though I had let my mother down and I thought she was disappointed in me.
I had spent approximately two months in the inpatient Eating Disorder Unit at the hospital. During that time, I had created friendships which I never thought would happen and I learned truly what eating disorders are -
They are not what schools make it seem like; health classes might have one chapter in a textbook dedicated to general information on eating disorders. There is so much more to it than that.
In the inpatient program, there were strict rules on what we were allowed to do and what we could or could not say. We were not allowed to move a lot or pace because it was a sign that we were trying to exercise. We were not allowed to stand for long because it was seen as trying to burn more calories.
I was given a meal plan that I had to follow and if I did not, I would not be allowed to do things such as have my phone for the half an hour we were given (if you wanted) or step outside for a few minutes from being stuck inside for so long. With this meal plan, I was constantly increased in calories as my team hoped that I would reach their weight goals.
With the help of my psychiatrist and head of the team, Dr. Donnellan, my therapist, Brian, and my dietitian, Eliza, I was able to be discharged from the inpatient unit approximately two months later as I reached the weight goal expected for discharge.
I wish I could say that the experience had truly stuck with me as I went to a partial program closer to my home, but it did not and I fell into old behaviors, but now there was something different: I knew what behaviors were.
Barely a month later, I was admitted again into the inpatient Eating Disorders Unit with having lost the weight progress I had made and becoming medically compromised again. This time I was in room 189.
This time I decided there was no lying or no cheating my way through it. I was discharged about one month later having reached the discharge weight goal once again. My team had decided that it would be best for me to continue through their partial hospitalization program down at RWJ even though it was a long ride for my mother and I. This would later decrease in the amount of days I would go as I would step down to the intensive outpatient program.
This time I was learning how to handle things and cope. I was learning that my body did in fact need calories to live just as though a car needed fuel to run. I was learning to challenge myself with foods that I had denied myself of having because of their caloric value and I had categorized them as being unhealthy. I was learning how to sit with the uncomfortable feeling of having to gain weight and the uncomfortable feelings of having foods that I had feared so badly. I was learning how to be okay with not moving around all the time or counting every calorie.
By this time, I had missed the second half of my freshman year in high school with going into the summer months and I was very upset about it. How could I leave school to focus on such a selfish thing?
This was when I realized that this was not a pointless thing; this was my health. Without my health, there was no possible way that I could function and live.
The day before my school had started the new year was my last day at Robert Wood Johnson’s Eating Disorder Unit. I was being discharged from their intensive outpatient program to start my school year on time because I had missed so much last year even though I had not reached the weight goal.
I have not been to the Eating Disorder Unit since. I admit that I did have a relapse within the first few months of school. I was not following what I had to be doing and this could clearly be seen in my weight check-ins and with the decline of my weight. The topic of going back to the inpatient unit a third time was on the table. I then committed to fully trying to meet my meal plan and now being in the nurse’s office for lunch to make sure I ate it.
Now, I see my psychiatrist, Dr. Donnellan, once a month, I see my therapist, Andrea, twice a week, and I see my dietician Marie once a week.
I am still struggling everyday with meeting what is expected of me and trying to deal with stress, but I am also allowing myself to not constantly criticize every part of my body. I do not have to be the skinniest person in the room. I have become more aware of the world around me and how to react to certain things.
I do not put such power into the idea of having to have a boyfriend right now. To be in such a relationship should not be forced. I have started to finally have my menstrual cycle again from having over a year without it (trust me I know this does not sound exciting, but it truly is important).
I have been allowed to start doing exercise again but with restrictions on what I am allowed to do so it cannot become excessive.
I have started doing yoga and learning to accept my body as it is.
It has now been one year since being admitted to Valley Hospital and with that milestone I returned to the pediatric unit to say thank you to the nurses there that had saved my life. I am now not afraid to share what has happened to me within the last year whereas before I was afraid people would judge me. Now I am not afraid to say that Anorexia Nervosa has and is still a part of my daily life.
I might not be recovered and I may still struggle day by day, but I am so glad I am not where I was one year ago. I still sometimes doubt that I am better off now than I was a year ago, but now there is so much more I can do. I am not dizzy all the time. I am not constantly seeing doctors. I do not have awfully dry skin or brittle nails. My face is not sunken in and lifeless. I can now concentrate better. I am not hysterically crying every time I hear that I have to have a meal plan increase even though it does still scare me. I am not hating myself for not exercising constantly.
I am learning to live in the present, to not dwell about the past, and to not worry so much about the future.
I am learning to love the life I am living now.
-Allison Murphy
Thank you so much Allison for being honest and genuine. Given that it is Eating Disorders Awareness Week, it is most fitting that your article presents an “awareness” that most people don’t understand. Eating disorders do not have a quick fix. Recovery is a journey with steps forward and steps backwards. Of course, it is the steps backwards where one learns the most.
Allison, all of us here at the Robert Wood Johnson Somerset Eating Disorders Program wishes you the very best in your continuing journey. Thanks again for helping to shed light on the struggle of recovery.
J. Donnellan, M.D.