"This is my journey and I know where I'm going."
I often find myself conflicted.I have been struggling for a long time to figure out who I am. Every time that I feel like I discover a little bit more about who I am, the world around me tells me that I should question it. The world around me tells me that I cannot be an individual. The world around me tells me that I have to be just like everyone else.
I struggle with the fact that no one will understand the journey I am on. I struggle with the fact that no matter what I choose to do along my path of self-discovery that there are people that I want supporting me but are not there. I struggle with the fact that I have to choose between living a life that drowns me in anxiety, depression and anonymity, forcing me to be a copy of everyone else, and living a life that provides enlightenment and fulfillment but brings about a strangling loneliness because I choose to be different.
Because of this, I constantly find myself questioning if what I am doing is right. As if self-discovery is not enough of a difficult process, I also have to deal with living a life that is often stigmatized. I am usually ashamed to say this, but today I am simply stating it because it's an all too real truth: I suffer from mental illness.
Is it OK for me to acknowledge that I struggle with anxiety and depression and an eating disorder? Is it OK for me to be in treatment? Is it OK for me to be on medication? Is it OK for me to see a therapist for at least an hour a week?
Would it be better for me to pretend that none of this exists? Would it be better for me to just be "normal"? Would it be better for me to not take care of myself? Would it be better to let the chemicals in my brain become so unbalanced that I cannot function? Would it be better for me to keep all my thoughts inside and never let go of anything?
When I layer all those questions about my mental health on top of the questions I have about my lifestyle and who I am, it makes life seem impossible. It makes me feel like I'm up that proverbial creek without a paddle.
But what do I do? I simply keep on keeping on because that's all I can do. This is my journey and I know where I'm going. Whether or not anyone understands is a different story.