"I feel supported and motivated to end my story here and never look back."
I remember hearing the words “Eating Disorder” for the first time. It was a call from Robert Wood Johnson’s EDU and I remember because it was the first time I felt my heart stop. Some would call it denial, some would call it fear. I called it ED, a name I didn’t comprehend yet, a monster who took over my brain, my body, my soul. I used to be like the Energizer Bunny, I would always have a smile on my face, my laughter was contagious and I just kept going. This girl was lost for a year and I felt hopeless that I would never see her again.Confusion was my first thought when I spoke to the nurse from the EDU. This isn’t me. I don’t have an eating disorder. I learned about anorexia and bulimia in health class growing up, but never thought it could happen to me and never knew what a powerful force it really was. The soothing voice of the nurse asked me questions that I had no idea how to answer. Looking back, I regret the rude tone of voice I used when answering her. That was the first call of my journey. I came in for an evaluation with Dr. Donnellan in May, took his card and went on with my life with no intention of calling him ever again.
As things became worse during the next few weeks, I was forgetting more, struggling at work and had no energy to do anything. The more stressed I became, the more I would use this disorder that they claimed I had all the symptoms for. After reaching a certain point, my doctor recommended that I speak to Dr. D again. As a 24 year old, I knew I had the right to do whatever I wanted. However, it got to a point where I couldn’t make decisions for myself anymore.
June came and it was time for my second evaluation at Robert Wood. As Dr. Donnellan explained the three levels of treatment, I remember thinking to myself that I need the treatment that would require the least amount of time and that would accommodate my work schedule. I opted for IOP and wouldn’t settle for anything else. PHP wouldn’t work for my everyday life and Inpatient wasn’t even an option. However, Dr. Donnellan felt it was the only option for the state I was in. After bringing my mother in, we compromised to do PHP. Lynn would be my therapist and Eliza was appointed as my dietician. Looking back, I don’t know what I would do without my amazing team.
My most vivid memory during program was in Lynn’s “Relapse Prevention” group. The assignment was to write a letter to your eating disorder. I put the pen to paper and went for it. Still known as the new girl, I knew I didn’t want to share what I wrote out loud. Then something came over me, I was fearless for the first time in my life. I read my letter and made it half way until the tears came streaming down my dark circles and pale face. I couldn’t hold it together. That was my breaking point. That was the point where I realized I have an eating disorder and it’s in my hands to take care of the damage I’ve done to my body.
Two weeks went by and I felt worse physically, but the support from therapy was bringing me out of denial and into what would be my recovery. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I constantly blamed myself to reaching a point of no return. Lynn and Dr. Donnellan came to the decision that I had to go Inpatient. They gave me two weeks to prove to myself that I could recover with PHP. When realizing that my disorder was stronger than ever, everyone around me recognized that I proved myself wrong. As tears rolled down my emotionless face, I said there was no way I could go Inpatient. But, there was no other option. That night, I packed my bags, and the next day I would be admitted.
Deep down I knew it was the right choice, but ED was still screaming at me saying, “You think Inpatient will get rid of me? No chance. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
The most difficult month of my life slowly went by and that’s all I will say about my Inpatient experience. The support from my team, family, and friends kept me going from day to day. I reached my goal weight to be discharged from the hospital and back to PHP.
The first week of September I was back where I started, with a new group of people from the first time. All the girls that were discharged before me from Inpatient were now in PHP and I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to do this alone.
Another month goes by and I receive the news that I would start IOP, words I never thought I would hear. Lynn tells me every week that this is going to be the hardest thing I ever do in my life. I could call the last eight months the hardest time in my life, but what I’ve come to realize is that the year prior was the worst of it. I let this evil disease bring me down to the darkest place in my life. ED is the enemy and will always find an excuse to refuse treatment. With the best team a girl could ask for, and my decision to keep going back to program everyday, I choose recovery. Without my family, Robert Wood Johnson, Dr. Donnellan, Lynn, and Eliza, I would not be here writing this entry. I don’t know where I would be.
I don’t feel alone anymore. I don’t feel lifeless, angry, or isolated anymore. I feel happy, which never used to be an accomplishment. I feel supported and motivated to end my story here and never look back. This is where ED and I part ways and I will live happily ever after without him.
Melissa Falcone
10/27/15