From the Desk of Guest Blogger Audra Sbarra, LCSW.
Audra is a familiar outpatient clinician to RWJUH Somerset. Her expertise is in the diagnosis and treatment of Eating Disorders.
Ah, summer. Change is in the air. The days are getting lighter, the grass is getting greener. Truth is, change is always all around us and most often happens when we can’t see it coming.
When someone we love has an eating disorder, a lot changes. Conversations change, schedules change, social engagements become altered. Things once taken for granted, such as family meals, also change. Sometimes, the way we see society changes too. Naturally the lion’s share of change happens within the person suffering with the disorder.
Families, ready or not, are also thrust into change. Husbands, wives, partners, lovers also get thrown into the mix but for purposes of this article we will focus on families and change.
Common questions I am asked by panicked family members include "what do I do?" That question is almost always followed by "How do I get Jane or John to eat?" or "Do I lock the pantry when I am not home?" These questions do not address the fact that sustainable change is first, a process and second, needs to be awakened from within the person that has the disorder.
No one is forced into change. Think about it. Think about one small change in your life and how you made it. Did someone talk you into it? Bribe you into it? Shame you into it? Likely not. Change happens when we come to a deep and echoing understanding that something we once engaged with no longer works or reaps benefits. Change happens when "the thrill is gone." This is a really complicated process, but there is hope. Instead of doing for, families can do with.
Janet Treasure, a noted scholar in the eating disorder community, uses animal metaphors to explain what can be helpful for families. Treasure likens those families who force change to angry rhinorsourcouses. Rhino families often, with good intentions, say things such as "just eat." On the other side of the spectrum, ostrich families act as such – minimizing or completely ignoring the problem. An ostrich family says something like "there’s nothing to worry about. This is just a phase she/he is going through." Sadly, neither of those responses produces change. Treasure argues that alternatively, we need to think like dolphins, nudging those we love along to safety with confidence and poise. She argues that the role of the family in the change process is to help the person figure out how to change, not to change for them.
Sometimes change happens when our values -- what we hold sacred and meaningful in our lives -- becomes rattled. When we don’t engage with our values, life becomes out of balance. Worse, we can become anxious, withdrawn and depressed, and use eating disorders to cope. Another way that families can do with and not for is to help the person with the disorder get back to a "valued life," that is, help the person become more in tune with what bring meaning outside of eating disorder concerns, such as weight, appearance and being perfect.
These are just a few ways that families can help those with an eating disorder change and grow. There are many more strategies and techniques available. Stay tuned for more
This summer, don’t be afraid to grow. Think like a dolphin! Dare to change!